For most men, admitting to a compulsive pattern — with alcohol, substances, screens, sex, pornography, or anything else — feels uncomfortably close to admitting failure. That shame is one of the reasons addiction in men so often stays hidden for so long, and why the culture of a men's group can matter so much when it finally surfaces.
What addiction is doing
The Canadian physician Gabor Maté, whose book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is one of the most important works written on this subject, argues that addiction is not a moral failure or a character flaw but a response to pain. Specifically, to pain that had no other outlet. A man who learned early that his feelings were unwelcome, that vulnerability was dangerous, that he needed to manage himself quietly and get on with it, will find ways to do that. Some of those ways work for a while. Some of them eventually stop working and start causing their own damage.
Maté's central question is not "why the addiction" but "why the pain." That reframe changes everything. It moves the conversation away from shame and willpower — the two things most men have already tried and found wanting — and toward genuine curiosity about what is being avoided, numbed, or managed, and why.
For many men, that pain has its roots in early relationships — with father, with mother, and with what was modelled and withheld in childhood. We explore those roots in our article on the father wound and the mother wound.
What men's groups see
In a men's group, a man's relationship with substances, pornography, sex, work, or anything else he uses to regulate himself tends to come up eventually, if the group has enough trust and enough honesty. Sometimes it's why a man joined. More often it emerges gradually, as the group develops the trust and safety for harder things to be named. And men in a circle who have known each other for months or years tend to notice things that a man cannot see in himself.
What they often notice is the gap. The gap between how a man describes his relationship with something and how it actually seems to be functioning in his life. The gap between who he says he wants to be and the choices he keeps making. The gap between the man who shows up in the group and the man who goes home afterward.
Naming any of this out loud in front of other men can feel deeply uncomfortable — for many men it feels like an admission of weakness, and the fear of judgement is a real barrier to honesty. This is why the non-judgmental culture of a men's group matters so much in these moments. A good group doesn't shame a man for what he shares. Men in the circle will likely recognise something of themselves in what he's describing, even if the specifics differ. That shared recognition — that quiet acknowledgement of "yes, I know something of that" — is often what allows a man to go further than he expected to. It's also what makes the honest, caring reflection that follows feel like support rather than criticism.
What a men's group cannot do
A men's group is not a treatment programme, and it's important to be honest about that. It is not a substitute for professional support, medical care, or a dedicated recovery programme like AA or SLAA for men whose addiction has become serious or life-threatening. Men dealing with dependency at that level are encouraged to seek that support, and many find that a men's group works well alongside it, providing the ongoing peer connection and honest reflection that formal programmes sometimes lack once the structured phase ends.
What a men's group can do is offer something that sits upstream of crisis: a place where a man can begin to look honestly at the ways he manages himself, understand something of why, and be held to account by men who genuinely want to see him thrive.
If you need support now
If you're concerned about your own relationship with alcohol, substances, or addictive behaviour, two good places to start are:
- Alcohol and Drug Helpline — free, confidential, non-judgmental support by phone (0800 787 797), text (8681), or online chat, available seven days a week.
- 1737 Need to Talk — free call or text, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for anyone needing to talk to a trained counsellor about mental health or addiction.
Gabor Maté's In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and Terry Real's I Don't Want to Talk About It, which explores the deep connection between male depression and addictive behaviour, are both listed on our further reading and resources page.
