Starting a men's group is one of the most meaningful things a man can do for his community. It doesn't require special qualifications or a perfect plan. It requires one man willing to take the first step, and enough persistence to keep showing up while something real begins to grow.
This guide draws on more than 25 years of men's group experience across Aotearoa, and on the resources developed at mensgroup.nz to help men get started.
Be clear about why you're doing this
Before anything else, take some time to reflect on what's drawing you to start a group, and what you hope it will offer the men who join.
Most men who start groups do so because they've experienced something themselves: loneliness or disconnection, a sense that something important was missing, or the relief of finally having a space where honest conversation was possible. That personal experience is your most important asset. Trust it. The clarity you have about what you needed, and what helped, is exactly what will allow you to hold space for other men going through similar things.
Men seek out this work for many reasons: isolation, a loss of purpose, difficult life changes, a desire for deeper friendships, or simply knowing they want more from life and are ready to be challenged to grow. What they consistently find is wide-ranging: genuine connection and belonging, greater self-awareness and confidence, better communication, a stronger sense of purpose, and a brotherhood built on trust. You don't need to have everything figured out before you begin. You just need to believe, from your own experience, that this kind of space matters.
Start with yourself
If you haven't already attended a men's group, that's the best starting point. Try to attend as many groups as you can before forming your own, in your home region and, when you travel, reach out to groups in other towns and ask if you can sit in as a guest. Most groups welcome visitors, and every group will teach you something about how a circle can work and what you want to build.
Beyond regular groups, men's retreats and initiation weekends provide a deeper foundation in the principles and practices that make this work. Programmes like Essentially Men's Men Being Real, BROS weekends, and the various retreats listed on mensgroup.nz/events/ are all worth exploring. Independent groups also run weekends in many regions, including events like the Lake Rotoiti weekends, which offer a grassroots experience of New Zealand men's work. The ManKind Project's New Warrior Training Adventure is another option for men wanting a more intensive experience.
You don't need to have completed a weekend programme to start a group, but genuine personal experience of men's work will make you a more grounded facilitator from the beginning.
Reach out and gather prospective men
Personal referrals are by far the most effective way to build a group. A direct invitation from a man who genuinely believes in what he's building carries far more weight than any poster or social media post. Don't underestimate any man's desire to share and grow. Even if you never considered your rugby mate the type, you may not know everything they are going through, and they may be more willing than you thought to open up and work through issues in a safe space among other men. Most men, given the right space, are more open to this kind of work than they let on, so don't limit yourself to asking only the 'safe' men you're sure will say yes. Think about all the men in your life who might benefit, and invite them personally. Encourage every interested man to do the same.
Beyond personal networking, use multiple channels to reach men who are quietly curious but might never ask directly. A social media post from your personal account or a local community group can be surprisingly effective. Keep the language warm and link to mensgroup.nz so men can learn more first. Posters in cafes, gyms, community centres, and health clinics reach men who aren't online. A brief message to a coach, employer, or community leader asking them to share the word can open doors that personal networks don't reach.
Consider a low-barrier starting point
Not every man is ready to commit to a regular group straight away. A men's open evening or information night, a one-off event with no obligation, gives men a chance to learn what a group is and meet the people involved before deciding whether to join. A casual drop-in format in the early weeks can serve a similar purpose, helping men ease in before the group settles into a more committed structure.
Find your uncles
Before your first meeting, seek out one or two men with some experience of men's work. Some traditions call these men "uncles." They don't need to be experts, just a few steps further along than the newer men in the room and willing to show up, speak honestly, and model genuine participation. Their presence in those early meetings will shape the culture more than any set of rules.
Aim for 10 to 12 men
A group of 10 to 12 men is a great target to aim for, but group numbers can vary widely while still being effective. 10 to 12 is large enough to function well when some men are unavailable, and small enough that everyone gets genuine time and attention. Don't wait until you have a full group to start. Begin with whoever is ready and build from there. Generally 5 or 6 men is enough to get started. Some men prefer smaller groups anyway, as sitting with fewer men can seem less intimidating when first learning to share.
One thing worth keeping in mind as the group grows: culture comes from the people in the room. Most men will be a good fit, but occasionally someone joins who consistently disrupts the dynamic, dominates conversations, or simply doesn't share the values the group is trying to build around. Addressing this early, with honesty and care, is part of the facilitator's responsibility. A small group is particularly vulnerable to one person pulling the energy in the wrong direction, and it's kinder to everyone, including that man, to have an honest conversation sooner rather than later.
Set things up well from the start
Choose a venue that feels comfortable and private. Agree on a regular time and stick to it. Many new groups meet weekly to begin with, as the shorter gap between meetings helps build closeness and momentum faster. Once the group has solidified, most move to fortnightly.
Share the guiding principles with every new member at or before the first meeting, and take time to go through them together. They're the foundation of a safe and effective group. Our sharing circle topics are a useful resource in those early meetings when men are still learning what to bring to the circle.
Set up a group chat to efficiently communicate meeting information to all the men who are interested. Send reminders before each meeting so no man forgets, and ask men to confirm attendance via the group chat. If a man misses a meeting, send them a personal message to follow up after, asking if they need any support so as not to miss the next session. Setting up this small expectation of communication helps initiate men into the kinds of accountability and honesty they will ultimately practise as regular members. These are exactly the traits men's groups aim to cultivate: more effective communication, greater honesty, and personal responsibility, both inside and outside the group setting.
Keep the group chat purely logistical: meeting times, reminders, and confirmations. What is shared in the circle stays in the circle, and that principle applies to digital spaces too. You never know if a man's partner may see his phone and read the group messages, another good reason to keep anything personal strictly within the in-person meetings.
Build a culture of commitment
One of the most valuable things a men's group can offer its members is also one of the easiest to underestimate: the simple practice of showing up. Most men have exercised commitment in one or two directions: to their work, perhaps to a partner or their children. Commitment to other men, week after week, year after year, is something most men have rarely been asked to do.
As a facilitator, it's worth naming this explicitly with new members early on. Attendance isn't just logistical, usually not optional, but it's part of the work itself. The men who show up consistently, even when tired or busy or not feeling it, are building something in themselves that goes beyond the group: a sense of your own word mattering, a greater respect for yourself and your role in your community. This is a kind of care for others that most men haven't had much practice with. That tends to spill outward into how they show up as partners, fathers, and friends. Your job in the early life of a group is to hold that expectation clearly, model it yourself, and help men understand that their presence is not just good for them, but it matters deeply to every other man in the room.
Speak from experience, not from the head
One thing worth knowing: there's a difference between sharing and giving a speech. Sharing is personal and emotionally connected, speaking from your own experience in the moment. A speech talks at the group rather than revealing something real. Most men find that the more honest and personal they are, the more the group responds. A useful question to carry into any meeting is simply: what am I not saying? Often the thing we're least willing to say is the thing most worth saying.
When offering a response to another man's sharing, the most valuable thing is often not advice or feedback directed back at him, but an honest account of what his sharing brought up in you. What it triggered. What it reminded you of. Where you recognised yourself in his story. When a man does want to offer something more direct in response, he should pick up the talking stick and speak to the entire group from his own experience rather than directing advice to the other man. This keeps the response personal and grounded, rather than positioning you as someone who knows what the other man should do.
A simple and effective way to close each meeting is to go briefly around the circle and invite each man to share one thing he's taking away from the evening. It doesn't need to be long, a sentence is enough. This brings the meeting to a natural close, helps men consolidate what they've heard, and sends everyone home with something to carry forward rather than the conversation simply trailing off.
Leadership: initiative, not power
In the early life of a group, someone needs to keep things moving, opening and closing the circle, encouraging I-statement sharing and respectful feedback, watching the time, and ensuring every man gets a chance to speak. That person is likely to be you, at least at first.
But leadership in a men's group is not about authority. As our facilitators workshop explored, it's about initiative rather than power: overcoming inertia, holding the group's values, and doing the small things that keep the circle alive. Everyone is equal. If power or ego enter the room, that's a challenge the group needs to face, and someone needs the courage to name it.
Leadership doesn't require being the loudest man in the room. It means standing for the group's values with care for yourself and for others, and not waiting for someone else to step up. The goal is a group where leadership is shared, the facilitation role rotates, and natural leaders emerge over time. Read more in our facilitators workshop recap.
To create shared leadership and foster a sense of group ownership, invite every man to contribute something meaningful to the group. This could be a short mindfulness or meditation practice they are experienced with, a passage from a book they found transformational, or a modality they've found useful to help process thoughts, events, and emotions. Each group is an expression of the men who comprise it, and there are no rules as to what a man can bring forward, as long as it doesn't violate any of the agreed-upon core principles. Trying new things is always encouraged.
For men wanting to develop facilitation skills further, workshops run each year across both islands. See mensgroup.nz/events/.
Pay attention to the quieter men
Every group has men who speak less than others. Check in gently with men who haven't spoken in a while, not to pressure them, but to let them know they're seen. A simple "we haven't heard from you tonight, is there anything you'd like to share?" is often enough. Over time, quieter men often become some of the most honest and valued voices in the room.
Practice a new kind of commitment
Most men have practised commitment in one or two directions: to their work, and perhaps to a partner or their children. Commitment to other men — showing up for them, week after week, year after year, regardless of how life is going — is something most men have rarely, if ever, been asked to do.
A men's group asks for exactly this. And for many men, the practice of it turns out to be one of the more quietly significant things the group offers. Not because attendance is a rule, but because the act of showing up consistently — when you're tired, when life is busy, when part of you would rather stay home — builds something in a man. A sense of his own word mattering. A relationship with commitment that extends beyond obligation and into genuine care for others. Many men find this spills outward: into how they show up as fathers, as friends, as partners. The group becomes the place where that muscle gets built.
Growing the group over time
Starting a group may not always be smooth. Men will drop out. Attendance will be inconsistent. Some meetings will fall flat. This is normal. But you may also be surprised at how quickly men respond to the format, how quickly real depth becomes possible, and how engaged most men become when they witness honest sharing in a strong container of men.
Most groups take six to twelve months to develop the trust and culture that makes deeper work possible, and allows a temporary facilitator to fully step back, letting others take up the role in turn. Keep inviting new men as numbers fluctuate, revisit the guiding principles periodically, and don't be afraid to have honest conversations about how the group is going. Groups that last are built by men who stayed committed when it was hard.
The groups that last develop something harder to name than connection or accountability. They become a kind of home — a place men return to consistently not just because it's useful, but because it feeds something at a deeper level. Men who have been in a functioning group for years will often say it's where they maintain their mental health; that the group is where issues come first, before the counsellor or the retreat. That's the long game. It takes years of commitment to get there, but it is what you are building toward.
Starting a group means building something worth protecting. When harder moments arise — and they will — knowing how to navigate them is part of the job. See when things get hard: conflict, anger, and difficult dynamics in men's groups.
You are not doing this alone
mensgroup.nz has a growing set of resources to support men starting and running groups, including our guiding principles, sharing circle topics, and articles covering what a men's group is and how it differs from other forms of support.
To connect with other group leaders around New Zealand, navigate to any region on our groups page and use the contact information at the bottom of each listing to reach out directly. Most men are happy to help other brothers who are committed to doing similar work.
Connecting with allied organisations like Essentially Men, BROS, ManKind Project NZ, and others in our network can also provide support, training, and a wider community of men across Aotearoa.
